Deny Me by Karen Cole

Author:Karen Cole [Karen Cole]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Quercus
Published: 2020-04-29T18:30:00+00:00

Chapter Twenty-Two

For one second when I wake up this morning, my mind is blank, and I feel nothing. Then the awful truth comes hurtling back, crashing into me and taking my breath away. Mum is dead. She overdosed and some of the drugs were mine. A cocktail of grief and guilt swills around inside me. A world without Mum just doesn’t seem possible. She’s always been there, a fundamental part of the fabric of my life, and now that fabric is being torn apart. All that unconditional love gone forever. It’s too much to bear. I can’t bear it. All I want is to go back to sleep. I want to be enveloped in blissful nothingness again, just for a while.

But it’s only a matter of minutes before the doorbell rings downstairs – a long, insistent dring. I wait a minute to see if Dad will answer, but he doesn’t. So, reluctantly, I push back the covers, pull on a pair of jeans and shuffle downstairs to open the door.

Ajay is standing in the doorway, clutching a large bunch of white flowers. He’s wearing sunglasses, so I can’t see his eyes, but I can hear the sincerity in his voice when he says, ‘Jess, I heard about your mother. I’m so sorry.’

‘Thank you,’ I say, taking the flowers and burying my head in them, inhaling their sweet, cloying scent. I don’t want to break down in front of him.

‘She was so kind to me when Kate died. They both were.’

‘Yes,’ I say. I’m waiting for him to go. It’s nice of him to bring the flowers, but I don’t really want to talk to anyone right now. I want to be alone. But he doesn’t move. He just stands there smiling awkwardly and shuffling from foot to foot.

‘Is your dad about?’ he asks at last.

‘I’ll see if I can find him. Come in.’ I stand back reluctantly to let him in.

Ajay waits in the living room while I search for Dad. In the kitchen I put the flowers in a vase and find a note on the table which says, Have gone to the registrar’s office. Back soon, Dad.

I pick up the paper and head back to the living room. ‘He’s not in. I’m sorry,’ I say. Ajay has taken off his sunglasses; his green eyes are full of compassion, and I can’t look at them or I know I’ll break down and sob like a baby.

‘I’ll tell Dad you called,’ I say, ushering him towards the door. He hesitates in the doorway, turning to me.

‘If you ever need to talk about anything, you know I’m here,’ he says, pressing my hand. His eyes lock on mine.

And for a brief, crazy moment I consider confiding in him. I imagine what it would be like to tell him everything – how good it would feel to share the burden of my suspicions. I open my mouth. Then I close it again. It’s hopeless. What can I say? I thought my mother

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